Less Than Is Perfect

The past couple of months I have been reading (and listening) to some pretty amazing books. I'm in a transition phase of my life. I have been struggling the last year trying to balance my family, ministry work and serving God. 

 

It's been a fight. Mostly because I don't know when to give in or maybe when I'm supposed to give in. I love ministry. The positive is that I love helping people. The negative is that it's one of my drugs because I get to hear those positive affirmations and words of appreciation from people when there is a job well done. I love my husband and my son to the moon and back, but the praise department does not live in our house. I need that! I crave the praise and appreciation of the people around me. It's how I know I'm a good person right? 

So here is my lesson. I don't need praise to know I'm a good person. I don't need to be in charge of or participating directly in a ministry to know that I have earned God's love. I don't have to be doing everything that everyone thinks I should be doing to be a good wife and mother. I don't.

People love me for who I am. My real friends know that I am an amazing person. Do I have faults and failures? Yes, but isn't that part of what makes me fun to be around? I'm normal. That's right! Faults and failures are normal. God did not make us perfect. 

Am I lonely? Absolutely! My main conversations are with an 18 month old. Once you take a step back from being busy all of the time your phone stops buzzing, your inbox decreases, people who once were always talking to you no longer have anything to say to you. It isn't just lonely, it kind of hurts. This is not something that I have completely worked through, but it is definitely something that I have learned from. I used to reach out to people that were standing at the back wall, hoping to be noticed, but afraid to walk in to the middle of the room. Then I became too busy to interact with them. It's a reminder that there are people who need to be recognized and remembered. I don't need to sit and see if someone will call me, text me, email me. I can reach out to them just to say "hello, I was thinking about you today". My value to people is not dependent on what role I play in the church.

I don't have to earn God's love. That isn't how He works. He is a God full of grace, mercy and love. I have been in this rat race of trying to prove how much I love Him, that I deserve His grace, that I have earned my right to be by His side. I've been treating God like He is a person. He isn't. My value to Him isn't dependent on my usefulness to Him. 

Finally, I don't have to be a perfect wife, mother or friend. I make mistakes all the time, I am not the best housekeeper, I have a desire to have things and because of it we have a house full of clutter right now. I should exercise and eat better, but have a constant battle with the effort it takes to do it. I need to complain less about my husband and be more patient with my son. These are just some of the things that I have been very hard on myself in the past because these are things that make me less than perfect. I'm frustrated with myself just thinking about it. 

The author's of these two books consistently reminded me that I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to meet the demands of what everyone thinks I should be doing and most importantly that I don't have to earn God's love. These are basic thoughts, I know that I'm not the only one that struggles with this. I know it because both authors are very transparent about their struggles in their books and they wouldn't have written books if they didn't know that others struggle with the same feelings.

Present Over Perfect and Grace Not Perfections have helped me tremendously. I resigned from the ministries that I was involved in in my church. That's right, I said ministries with an s at the end. I have been taking time to reprioritize my family over ministry. It has been difficult, because I yearn for people to recognize me when they walk by me. I want to be valued. However, it has also been amazing. I'm not so tired anymore. I have energy and time to do things with my son like go to the library, park and someday when spring finally makes it to Wisconsin the zoo. I have more time to clean. Of course, it isn't my favorite thing to do, but I don't have a bazillion excuses to put it off. Plus, my son loves cleaning and helping, so that makes it a little more fun. Lastly, I have time for my husband. I have time to listen to him. He loves coming home to a clean(er) house. Though he doesn't say it every time he walks in the door I know that he appreciates it. He in turn has made more of an effort to spend more quality time with myself and our son. 

So though, I do not have the big crowd singing my praises, I have the praises of my son and husband. I have time to focus on something specific and be intentional. I love the word intentional. To me it means I'm doing it on purpose. Most importantly I have brought some semblance of balance back to my life and that my friends is the big picture lesson. We can love God, serve Him and have a fulfilled life with balance in our life.

I highly recommend these books. I actually listened to Present Over Perfect on Audible while I did housework. Either way, you will not be disappointed in what you read or hear.

                                                 

God Gave Us Easter Book Review

Here's my book review for Lisa Tawn Bergren's book God Gave Us Easter. This book is amazing, cute, sweet and a great read for the kiddo's.

I love how Papa Bear explains to Little Cub that both the Easter Bunny & Santa remind us of the gifts and good things we receive during holidays, but that God is the real reason we celebrate and why.

The author does an amazing job of explaining the reason that God came to earth and died on a cross for us and starts at the flood and follows through with the story of redemption.

Click here to watch my Youtube review.

How About A Little Vaseline?

Recently, little man has developed a rash around his chin and one of his cheeks that just won't seem to go away. It doesn't seem to bother him. It does, however, become bright red sometimes and can look ugly. I looked up some different possible causes and the most likely cause is teething. With teething comes lots and lots of saliva. We definitely see a lot anyway. 

I asked some different moms, past and present, what they would do. Some moms suggested Lotrimin. I'm not sure that I'm comfortable putting a chemical meant to dry up athletes foot that close to little man's mouth. The other suggestion was Vaseline. I decided to try this and it worked like a charm. I didn't even layer it on thick. It was barely noticeable. I'm sure seeing how this works I would probably be able to also use Aquaphor.

Date Night With Play Dough

Of course, it's winter in Wisconsin. We are stranded inside with the low temps and windshields that are very negative. This has me looking for new things to do with little man to keep him busy and give him new things to discover and play with.

So, after a little searching I found a recipe that I liked to make some play dough. It was so easy to make.

Play Dough Recipe

Ingredients
2 tbs cooking oil
4 tbs Cream of Tartar
2 cups plain flour
1 cup salt
2 cups water
Food colouring

Directions:
Mix all the ingredients in a saucepan and stir over medium heat for 3-5 minutes, until the mixture solidifies.

Once the play dough solidified I was able to scoop it in to a freezer bag. Little man and I got together at the table and had some fun. Little man did try to sneak some bites, but the taste was not pleasant. (tip - do not accidentally lick your fingers while making) Once he figured out that it was not edible, we had some fun.

(no worries... that's milk on his chin)

 Overall, this was fairly easy and provided an immediate 15-20 minutes of fun. Since we were able to save the play dough I am sure it will provide some more fun as well. Bonus: Everything was easy to clean up.

Book Review #8: Naughty Mabel Sees It All

Sorry for crazy hair friends! It's been one of those real days!

Keep It Shut Chapter 10: Something To Talk About

I have to tell you that I am very emotional about this chapter. I've really struggled since starting this book. I've always had a hard time controlling the words that come out of my mouth. I'm one of those emotional types. I can hold in what I say for the most part, but if you turn the fire up under the pot and I can get myself in to a lot of trouble.

The past few months I have been very angry. I've been praying recently that God would reveal to me the source of this anger so that I could sort it out and move on in my life. I can't pinpoint when it started, but I can pinpoint when I noticed it. I noticed it in March. I nearly drove a man down in his vehicle because he cut me off when getting on to the interstate. Up until recently I still had a picture of his license plates in my phone. I was going to stalk this man. I have no idea what I was going to do once I was face to face with him, but let me tell you that day I knew I was going to do something.

This anger has also led me to say a lot of things, that even if they were true, were not kind. We have recently made a lot of changes to the Children's Ministry in my church. I am the director. I had a great conversation with my Pastor and the Assistant Pastor about these changes. We knew we would receive backlash, but man I couldn't believe the type of backlash we received. Someone that rarely ever shows me any type of attitude or anger jumped on me about these changes. I knew that the source of some of that anger came from the person that delivered the news to this person.

In order to cope, I have started pointing that finger while blaming and speaking hate. I've been yelling about people not keeping their mouths shut, speaking out of turn and pretty much have had the attitude of "like it or get out". I'm not saying my anger in this situation isn't justified, but I will tell you that I think my anger is causing a ripple that was started to grow. I read an analogy that I want to share with you straight from the words of the author.

"I tried water-skiing once - and only once. It was the summer of 1976 and I was in the seventh grade. I had traveled with my mother and grandfather to upper Wisconsin for a week of vacation. My cousins were very skilled at all things aquatic. They were good swimmers. They loved to fish. And they could water-ski like no one's business. So they go the bright idea of teaching their land-loving cousin how to water-ski too.

Things started off well enough. I placed the skis on my feet and bobbed up and down in my bright-orange life jacket in the deep part of the lake, clutching the line attached to the boat my uncle Lee was about to drive. I had listened to all the instructions about how to get up on the skies and then how, once I was finally standing, to ski in a way that I would not fall.

My uncle revved up the engine and took off. I did everything I thought I was supposed to, and pretty soon I was standing up and skiing. However, I encountered a slight problem. My skis started to drift off course and into the wake, a V-shaped formation of rushing water generated behind a boat. While it is pretty, it is also powerful. And when a novice twelve-year-old water-skier accidentally gets her left ski caught in the wake, she soon gets the scare of her life.

I flipped. And flopped. I took in gallons of water in both my mouth and nose. And I continued to be dragged behind the boat in the wake of my uncle's joyride. Now, had I only been smart enough to let go of the line, this whole incident would not have been so traumatic. But I was in shock and wasn't thinking straight and somehow surmised that holding on for dear life was the right thing to do. As I said, it was the first and last time I ever went waterskiing.

Wakes are powerful. So are our words. And our word choices often leave behind a wake that can cause a ripple effect - for good or for ill - on all those around us. What is in your wake?" ~ Excerpt taken from Keep It Shut by Karen Ehman

How many times in the past couple of months have my words left a wake of destruction? Will my words lead to the destruction of someone's walk with God? I can honestly say I'm scared to know the answer to those.

I sat reading this chapter while I rocked my son to sleep. I had to lay my book aside as I sobbed in repentance. The changes to the Children's Ministry have been frustrating for everyone involved. I have the option to make the changes seem seamless and positive or I can bring more negativity and death to this ministry.

I will choose life. I will seek out forgiveness. I will choose better words. I will listen before I respond. I will be careful with my nonverbal ques. I will be fair to everyone involved and not rehash history. Everyone deserves the same fresh start I do everyday. I will change someone's history. I will believe the best of every situation.

I never want to stand before God as He shows me the destruction I was responsible for. I can do this... or keep my mouth shut.

 

 

It's For Your Own Good

A little over a month after I was fired from my job in 2014, this cat showed up in my life. He was THE sweetest thing ever. I was at an all time emotional low. My self-confidence was crushed. God knew I needed someone or something to love ME unconditionally.

It was a tough sell. Both my husband and I love animals, but our house was already full with three dogs and two cats. Each of these animals would (and still do) give me love, until my husband came home. Then I was just the chopped liver that someone tried to eat, but vomited back up on the floor. Honestly, we did not need another animal. However, you couldn't deny how much love this little guy had to give and he was so social.

We tried to do the responsible thing. With my husband being the only one working, another pet was not what we needed financially. My husband left with him in the car, but returned with him a little later. The humane society near us said they do not do intake from the public and we would have to take the cat to the county humane society. My husband told them he wasn't comfortable with this since it was a kill shelter. Their reply was "yes, but it's only a low kill shelter". So the cat came home.

My husband wanted to call him Whiskey since he had taken up residence in the whiskey barrel planter we had on our deck. Dan, however, lacks imagination when it comes to naming animals. His right to naming was revoked after he named our calico cat Callie. I had a couple of regal names that I threw out there that were nixed, but we finally agreed upon Dexter. Dan felt it was appropriate since he had taken up residence on our deck and I was also happy because one of my all time favorite shows (I admit this with minimal shame) was Dexter. Why would you not want to name your cat after a character that is a serial killer that kills serial killers?

Dexter was my one and only love in the house. When I came home he would be sitting on the very edge of the kitchen island, as close to the edge as he could get to put him closer to me. It didn't matter where I went, downstairs, upstairs, bathroom, kitchen, living room, Dexter was always there right beside me. Even to this day, I know that this cat loves me unconditionally and I love him the same. The dynamic of the house has changed a little in the past year with the baby, so he doesn't follow me around quite as much, but every night when I crawl in to bed, up hops my favorite animal in the house to cuddle with me for a few minutes before he goes down by my feet to sleep.

The one thing that Dexter does is beg to go outside. In the past, we have had trouble with him sneaking out when we opened the door to let the dogs out. We would have to act fast to catch him and bring him back. When we go outdoors, Dexter will sit next to the nearest window or door to you so that he can peer out at you. He will alternate between staring hard at you and meowing really loud as if death could be at his door.

Dexter doesn't understand that I keep him inside for his own good. You see, we have coyotes that frequent our yard and neighborhood. We occasionally have owls that like to search out small prey. Of course, there are hawks as well. This doesn't include the foxes, stray cats, opossum and other little animals that may look cute, but could in fact mean danger to my beloved cat.

I sometimes wonder if Dexter looks out at the dogs and thinks "it isn't fair". His eyes tell me he thinks it. I know I would think it. Sitting there in the window watching those dogs run around free, chasing the birds and squirrels. I know it probably doesn't seem fair.

Dexter really wants to go outside. He wants to explore and chase things. He wants to roll in the grass and be free. He doesn't see the dangers that I do because they are not visible to his eye. He hasn't had a reminder of the dangers lurking out there for him. The safety of the house has given him a false sense of security.

Isn't that the same way with God? Doesn't He love us so much that He puts up roadblocks to steer us from danger. Maybe He closes the proverbial screen door to keep us in safety. Sometimes, He dodges after us and grabs us by the scruff of the neck (sometimes the tail if that's the only thing He can grab) before we disappear in to the world of danger.

It doesn't always feel good and sometimes we are left with a whole lot of questions swimming around in our head. Why didn't I get that job? Why isn't that friend in my life anymore? Why wasn't it easier to have a baby? Maybe you've used the "it isn't fair" line. Maybe you've wanted to just linger a little bit in your old life. God sees the dangers, whether big or small, and understands what they can mean to our lives. He isn't trying to deprive us of what we see others enjoying, but He is trying to protect us until we are ready to walk through that door or handle circumstances that we might not have been able to handle in the past. Maybe we need time to grow. Maybe we may never step outside that particular door again.

I'm thankful that I serve a God that loves me so much that He will protect me even if I question Him. Even if I doubt Him. Even if I stare longingly at what others have and I think I want. He loves me. I'm thankful He doesn't send me off to another shelter with the thought of "well it's only a low kill shelter over there... hopefully she does well there". He has my best interest at heart and does everything for my own good.