It was one year ago to the day that I was released from my employment at Kohl's. The summer leading up to that moment was one of the worst periods of my life. I was depressed and lost. It seemed that no matter what I did I was constantly doing the wrong thing. So as all bad stories get worse, I made poor decisions. Poor decisions that led me to being walked out of the door. I'm sure ultimately the ending would have been the same, but it could have been me walking out of the door with my head held high instead of low in shame.
There are many thoughts that go through my head about this. The final nail in my coffin was a fabrication of the worst kind, but I opened up the door to the fabrication with my poor decisions. I loved working for Kohl's. The company has great values that I can easily support and uphold.
However, as in life there are always some bad apples mixed in with the good. It is this week that I want to set aside my self-worth that holds me accountable for my actions. I want to rant and shake my fist at the evil-doers that took advantage of a weak moment. I want to put all the blame on them. I want to hate them. I want to hold their heads in a dirty toilet bowl and give them a swirly.
But alas, I cannot! You see, I know that God used this moment in my life to humble me. He humbled me to bring me back to where I should have always been. I had chosen to veer away from Him. For once in my life I was not completely reliant upon Him. I had a husband, a home, a nice job, good money. I was very "comfortable". I allowed the comfort to sway me in to thinking I could do it my way and be happy. I was too! I was very happy. By societies definitions and standards, I had everything that should bring happiness. Yet I didn't. I had walked away from my one true love. Jesus!
I have always believed in God and lived a "good" life, but I know now that I was never truly sold out. I was a tree without any roots. I just let the wind blow me wherever it went. I had a temper. I was tactless in how I approached people with my thoughts and opinions. I was rude and arrogant, all while assuming I was the most humble creature God had ever created. I laugh even now as I type this because I realize that I am still all of those things. I know that God has done some work on me because I have grown slower to speak, I try to listen more than talk, I try to do that listening to gain a full understanding before my temper is allowed to reign. I'm not perfect by any means, but I can definitely see a difference in my life from last year to today. God has created a miracle in me.
So it is with a different heart that I can honestly say that I forgive not just those that did me wrong in the role of ending my employment, but myself as well. Mistakes happen. So here I write a list of things I've taken away from my lesson with God.
1. Forgive yourself. I write this one first because I think this is the hardest thing ever to do.
2. Forgive others that are involved. I freely admit that there have been times when I have thought that I cannot wait to see the retribution that comes for those that do me wrong. God has been whispering in my ear that sometimes wrong things happen just because, like myself, people make mistakes. So instead, I pray for those who have done wrong to me. (sometimes while picturing their head in the toilet... I know! But I am human after all)
3. Review the situation. What could you have done differently? Don't rely upon someone else to change the circumstances or prevent it from happening again. Only you can do that.
4. Happiness doesn't equal joy. I have less money and less comfort. Yet, my weight and blood pressure are both down compared to this time last year. I find myself laughing more. I'm not so easily offended. True joy is slowly working its way in to my life.
5. Be friendly to everyone! I have a hard time with this one. I can be very "judgy" at times. A result of my forever changing family dynamic growing up I'm sure. I've sincerely tried to look past the immediate faults that pop in to my head and be friendly to everyone. It's amazing how many friends I have now.
6. Talk to God. He has the best wisdom anyone could ever ask for. He just wants to talk to us.
7. Most importantly, be thankful. I am thankful for family, friends, a roof over my head, a boss that is a little too much like myself, all the crazy animals sharing the same roof as me. I am also thankful for all the disappointments life has brought me. They have made me stronger, tougher and a better person!
