Frustrating to say the least! Even now, sitting here in the temporary evening silence, I want to weep with the weariness of it all. There are many well meaning souls who offer you such advice as "all babies cry" or "welcome to motherhood" (admittedly that one makes me want to slug people the most... motherhood does not equal being terrorized for eight plus hours a night of crying) Of course, there are the really overly helpful people that just know if they could be present when the baby is crying they could solve all of your problems. This one is aggravating as well. We live in an information age. I have googled, read and searched for every possible solution to the long evenings of crying. I have rocked, played music for, sang to, put the baby in a bouncer, let the baby "cry it out", taken him for so many car rides that oil industry should be sending my husband and I thank you letters.
The truth is you don't know or understand until you have lived the life day after day. What works one day may (and most likely) will not work the next day. You squeeze your eyes shut most days and pray that God touch your baby. You cry with your baby. You search desperately for possible answers.
Most importantly you start learning to cope. During a ten minute period of peace you run down to the laundry room to switch everything over. You take a few minutes to pump if you are breastfeeding. You stand at the refrigerator door and stuff as much food and liquid in your mouth until the baby starts crying again. You let the dogs out and for just a brief moment stand outside, lift your face to the sky and breathe. If you're smart you've realized that baby sleeps well when your holding him. So you settle down with your ipad, computer, book, tv remote and multitask of sorts.
When people come over to visit you attack that pile of unfolded laundry that you've been piling up from your sneak visits to the basement. You drop the baby in their arms, wish them luck and run to the bathroom for what is probably a much needed shower. (yes... I have cried huge tears wishing for the moment I can just get in to the shower) When we attended our birthing and newborn care classes the teacher advised having a list of things to do for people who come over to visit. I thought this was an excellent ideal. My views on this have changed a bit. Doing these tasks offers me a moment of normalcy.
I say all of this with a huge pile of guilt in my heart. For eight years we waited for a child. Eight very long, very frustrating years. We went through the IVF process to find final success. We wanted a baby so very badly. It pains me that I look forward to someone asking if they can hold my baby and the relief that I feel that my hands will be free for a few minutes. Guilt washes over me when I finally grow weary enough of the crying that I have to call my husband to come home from work to relieve me. The internal struggle of loving a being so much it aches, but being so utterly frustrated that there is nothing you can do to relieve whatever it is that is making this being cry and scream.
So to all of you mom's out there dealing with the pain. I hear you. To anyone reading this with a friend going through this, don't ask what you can do. Evaluate! Find what you can do and do it! Oddly enough, asking what you can do only adds to the pile of guilt a mother will add on top of what she has already put on herself. Just do it!
Alas, someone calls my name... to be continued.
