Starting Over... Again!

Ironically, I have already written this blog once. Something happened. Most likely an operator error. Regardless, none of it saved. So, I am starting over.

Starting over. This has been my mantra for a couple of months now. I am your typical female, mom, former leader, workaholic, people pleasing person. I hate making mistakes. I mean I REALLY HATE MAKING MISTAKES. No one can every chastise or beat me up more than I do myself. I'm very hard on myself. I have very unrealistic goals and standards I set for myself. It's crazy! Some of them are so out of this world that I can never even begin to attain to them. I set myself up to disappoint myself. I lead myself to the dark pit of depression and have consistently lived a life of stumbling.

Some of these unrealistic expectations come from the way I grew up. I love God. I love the church. BUT I'm coming to realize that living for God isn't quite so black and white. Settle down now everyone. I believe that there are black and white guidelines that God has given us, but I do believe that there are rules and guidelines that many Christians enforce upon themselves and others that are just not as important to God as they are to us. What are those? Read the book. Pray about it. Consult with your Pastor. Is it a heaven or hell issue? Will it consistently cause others around you to stumble? I am not saying that we should not hold ourselves to a higher standard, but the standard should be something that compliments your walk with God and His holiness. How I dress, my appearance, the way I talk, my actions are they pleasing to God?

Other unrealistic expectations come from what I put before me. Social media, tv, the internet, blog posts. None of these things are terrible on their own, but there may be things that I see and allow myself to become envious of. When I become envious I start setting an unrealistic goal.

It isn't just about unrealistic expectations though. I fail when it comes to expectations that I should be able to attain to, but because of these other expectations I've had I come down really hard on myself even when I mess up on simple things.

I've been reading a lot about grace lately. God is so full of grace and mercy. This reading has really thrown a wrench in to some of my ideologies, the way I function and think. God doesn't want us to fail and when we do He helps pick us up, helps us brush our knees and hands, wipes the tears from our eyes and helps us get back on our path. Why do we not have this same kind of grace for ourselves? Why is it that when I mess up my world comes apart? We limit God. We fall down and do one of the following:

1. Sit and pout (wallow in depression)

2. Push God away and say we can get up on our own (pride)

3. Allow Him to help us up, but keep beating ourselves up (unforgiveness)

Don't get me wrong. Depression is a real thing and can lead you down a black hole that is so unimaginably hard to get out of, but we don't have to live in it. Look up, forgive yourself because God has already forgiven you. I'm not perfect. I never will be here on earth. I have to forgive myself.

Want to know the best part of learning to forgive yourself is? That you become less judgmental when it comes to other peoples failures. When you stop holding yourself to impossible tasks, you stop holding others as well. It is so freeing! You have to try it.

If you'd like to read some amazing books about God's grace and setting realistic and attainable goals and standards for yourself then check out these books.

Less Than Is Perfect

The past couple of months I have been reading (and listening) to some pretty amazing books. I'm in a transition phase of my life. I have been struggling the last year trying to balance my family, ministry work and serving God. 

 

It's been a fight. Mostly because I don't know when to give in or maybe when I'm supposed to give in. I love ministry. The positive is that I love helping people. The negative is that it's one of my drugs because I get to hear those positive affirmations and words of appreciation from people when there is a job well done. I love my husband and my son to the moon and back, but the praise department does not live in our house. I need that! I crave the praise and appreciation of the people around me. It's how I know I'm a good person right? 

So here is my lesson. I don't need praise to know I'm a good person. I don't need to be in charge of or participating directly in a ministry to know that I have earned God's love. I don't have to be doing everything that everyone thinks I should be doing to be a good wife and mother. I don't.

People love me for who I am. My real friends know that I am an amazing person. Do I have faults and failures? Yes, but isn't that part of what makes me fun to be around? I'm normal. That's right! Faults and failures are normal. God did not make us perfect. 

Am I lonely? Absolutely! My main conversations are with an 18 month old. Once you take a step back from being busy all of the time your phone stops buzzing, your inbox decreases, people who once were always talking to you no longer have anything to say to you. It isn't just lonely, it kind of hurts. This is not something that I have completely worked through, but it is definitely something that I have learned from. I used to reach out to people that were standing at the back wall, hoping to be noticed, but afraid to walk in to the middle of the room. Then I became too busy to interact with them. It's a reminder that there are people who need to be recognized and remembered. I don't need to sit and see if someone will call me, text me, email me. I can reach out to them just to say "hello, I was thinking about you today". My value to people is not dependent on what role I play in the church.

I don't have to earn God's love. That isn't how He works. He is a God full of grace, mercy and love. I have been in this rat race of trying to prove how much I love Him, that I deserve His grace, that I have earned my right to be by His side. I've been treating God like He is a person. He isn't. My value to Him isn't dependent on my usefulness to Him. 

Finally, I don't have to be a perfect wife, mother or friend. I make mistakes all the time, I am not the best housekeeper, I have a desire to have things and because of it we have a house full of clutter right now. I should exercise and eat better, but have a constant battle with the effort it takes to do it. I need to complain less about my husband and be more patient with my son. These are just some of the things that I have been very hard on myself in the past because these are things that make me less than perfect. I'm frustrated with myself just thinking about it. 

The author's of these two books consistently reminded me that I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to meet the demands of what everyone thinks I should be doing and most importantly that I don't have to earn God's love. These are basic thoughts, I know that I'm not the only one that struggles with this. I know it because both authors are very transparent about their struggles in their books and they wouldn't have written books if they didn't know that others struggle with the same feelings.

Present Over Perfect and Grace Not Perfections have helped me tremendously. I resigned from the ministries that I was involved in in my church. That's right, I said ministries with an s at the end. I have been taking time to reprioritize my family over ministry. It has been difficult, because I yearn for people to recognize me when they walk by me. I want to be valued. However, it has also been amazing. I'm not so tired anymore. I have energy and time to do things with my son like go to the library, park and someday when spring finally makes it to Wisconsin the zoo. I have more time to clean. Of course, it isn't my favorite thing to do, but I don't have a bazillion excuses to put it off. Plus, my son loves cleaning and helping, so that makes it a little more fun. Lastly, I have time for my husband. I have time to listen to him. He loves coming home to a clean(er) house. Though he doesn't say it every time he walks in the door I know that he appreciates it. He in turn has made more of an effort to spend more quality time with myself and our son. 

So though, I do not have the big crowd singing my praises, I have the praises of my son and husband. I have time to focus on something specific and be intentional. I love the word intentional. To me it means I'm doing it on purpose. Most importantly I have brought some semblance of balance back to my life and that my friends is the big picture lesson. We can love God, serve Him and have a fulfilled life with balance in our life.

I highly recommend these books. I actually listened to Present Over Perfect on Audible while I did housework. Either way, you will not be disappointed in what you read or hear.