Less Than Is Perfect

The past couple of months I have been reading (and listening) to some pretty amazing books. I'm in a transition phase of my life. I have been struggling the last year trying to balance my family, ministry work and serving God. 

 

It's been a fight. Mostly because I don't know when to give in or maybe when I'm supposed to give in. I love ministry. The positive is that I love helping people. The negative is that it's one of my drugs because I get to hear those positive affirmations and words of appreciation from people when there is a job well done. I love my husband and my son to the moon and back, but the praise department does not live in our house. I need that! I crave the praise and appreciation of the people around me. It's how I know I'm a good person right? 

So here is my lesson. I don't need praise to know I'm a good person. I don't need to be in charge of or participating directly in a ministry to know that I have earned God's love. I don't have to be doing everything that everyone thinks I should be doing to be a good wife and mother. I don't.

People love me for who I am. My real friends know that I am an amazing person. Do I have faults and failures? Yes, but isn't that part of what makes me fun to be around? I'm normal. That's right! Faults and failures are normal. God did not make us perfect. 

Am I lonely? Absolutely! My main conversations are with an 18 month old. Once you take a step back from being busy all of the time your phone stops buzzing, your inbox decreases, people who once were always talking to you no longer have anything to say to you. It isn't just lonely, it kind of hurts. This is not something that I have completely worked through, but it is definitely something that I have learned from. I used to reach out to people that were standing at the back wall, hoping to be noticed, but afraid to walk in to the middle of the room. Then I became too busy to interact with them. It's a reminder that there are people who need to be recognized and remembered. I don't need to sit and see if someone will call me, text me, email me. I can reach out to them just to say "hello, I was thinking about you today". My value to people is not dependent on what role I play in the church.

I don't have to earn God's love. That isn't how He works. He is a God full of grace, mercy and love. I have been in this rat race of trying to prove how much I love Him, that I deserve His grace, that I have earned my right to be by His side. I've been treating God like He is a person. He isn't. My value to Him isn't dependent on my usefulness to Him. 

Finally, I don't have to be a perfect wife, mother or friend. I make mistakes all the time, I am not the best housekeeper, I have a desire to have things and because of it we have a house full of clutter right now. I should exercise and eat better, but have a constant battle with the effort it takes to do it. I need to complain less about my husband and be more patient with my son. These are just some of the things that I have been very hard on myself in the past because these are things that make me less than perfect. I'm frustrated with myself just thinking about it. 

The author's of these two books consistently reminded me that I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to meet the demands of what everyone thinks I should be doing and most importantly that I don't have to earn God's love. These are basic thoughts, I know that I'm not the only one that struggles with this. I know it because both authors are very transparent about their struggles in their books and they wouldn't have written books if they didn't know that others struggle with the same feelings.

Present Over Perfect and Grace Not Perfections have helped me tremendously. I resigned from the ministries that I was involved in in my church. That's right, I said ministries with an s at the end. I have been taking time to reprioritize my family over ministry. It has been difficult, because I yearn for people to recognize me when they walk by me. I want to be valued. However, it has also been amazing. I'm not so tired anymore. I have energy and time to do things with my son like go to the library, park and someday when spring finally makes it to Wisconsin the zoo. I have more time to clean. Of course, it isn't my favorite thing to do, but I don't have a bazillion excuses to put it off. Plus, my son loves cleaning and helping, so that makes it a little more fun. Lastly, I have time for my husband. I have time to listen to him. He loves coming home to a clean(er) house. Though he doesn't say it every time he walks in the door I know that he appreciates it. He in turn has made more of an effort to spend more quality time with myself and our son. 

So though, I do not have the big crowd singing my praises, I have the praises of my son and husband. I have time to focus on something specific and be intentional. I love the word intentional. To me it means I'm doing it on purpose. Most importantly I have brought some semblance of balance back to my life and that my friends is the big picture lesson. We can love God, serve Him and have a fulfilled life with balance in our life.

I highly recommend these books. I actually listened to Present Over Perfect on Audible while I did housework. Either way, you will not be disappointed in what you read or hear.

                                                 

Keep It Shut Chapter 10: Something To Talk About

I have to tell you that I am very emotional about this chapter. I've really struggled since starting this book. I've always had a hard time controlling the words that come out of my mouth. I'm one of those emotional types. I can hold in what I say for the most part, but if you turn the fire up under the pot and I can get myself in to a lot of trouble.

The past few months I have been very angry. I've been praying recently that God would reveal to me the source of this anger so that I could sort it out and move on in my life. I can't pinpoint when it started, but I can pinpoint when I noticed it. I noticed it in March. I nearly drove a man down in his vehicle because he cut me off when getting on to the interstate. Up until recently I still had a picture of his license plates in my phone. I was going to stalk this man. I have no idea what I was going to do once I was face to face with him, but let me tell you that day I knew I was going to do something.

This anger has also led me to say a lot of things, that even if they were true, were not kind. We have recently made a lot of changes to the Children's Ministry in my church. I am the director. I had a great conversation with my Pastor and the Assistant Pastor about these changes. We knew we would receive backlash, but man I couldn't believe the type of backlash we received. Someone that rarely ever shows me any type of attitude or anger jumped on me about these changes. I knew that the source of some of that anger came from the person that delivered the news to this person.

In order to cope, I have started pointing that finger while blaming and speaking hate. I've been yelling about people not keeping their mouths shut, speaking out of turn and pretty much have had the attitude of "like it or get out". I'm not saying my anger in this situation isn't justified, but I will tell you that I think my anger is causing a ripple that was started to grow. I read an analogy that I want to share with you straight from the words of the author.

"I tried water-skiing once - and only once. It was the summer of 1976 and I was in the seventh grade. I had traveled with my mother and grandfather to upper Wisconsin for a week of vacation. My cousins were very skilled at all things aquatic. They were good swimmers. They loved to fish. And they could water-ski like no one's business. So they go the bright idea of teaching their land-loving cousin how to water-ski too.

Things started off well enough. I placed the skis on my feet and bobbed up and down in my bright-orange life jacket in the deep part of the lake, clutching the line attached to the boat my uncle Lee was about to drive. I had listened to all the instructions about how to get up on the skies and then how, once I was finally standing, to ski in a way that I would not fall.

My uncle revved up the engine and took off. I did everything I thought I was supposed to, and pretty soon I was standing up and skiing. However, I encountered a slight problem. My skis started to drift off course and into the wake, a V-shaped formation of rushing water generated behind a boat. While it is pretty, it is also powerful. And when a novice twelve-year-old water-skier accidentally gets her left ski caught in the wake, she soon gets the scare of her life.

I flipped. And flopped. I took in gallons of water in both my mouth and nose. And I continued to be dragged behind the boat in the wake of my uncle's joyride. Now, had I only been smart enough to let go of the line, this whole incident would not have been so traumatic. But I was in shock and wasn't thinking straight and somehow surmised that holding on for dear life was the right thing to do. As I said, it was the first and last time I ever went waterskiing.

Wakes are powerful. So are our words. And our word choices often leave behind a wake that can cause a ripple effect - for good or for ill - on all those around us. What is in your wake?" ~ Excerpt taken from Keep It Shut by Karen Ehman

How many times in the past couple of months have my words left a wake of destruction? Will my words lead to the destruction of someone's walk with God? I can honestly say I'm scared to know the answer to those.

I sat reading this chapter while I rocked my son to sleep. I had to lay my book aside as I sobbed in repentance. The changes to the Children's Ministry have been frustrating for everyone involved. I have the option to make the changes seem seamless and positive or I can bring more negativity and death to this ministry.

I will choose life. I will seek out forgiveness. I will choose better words. I will listen before I respond. I will be careful with my nonverbal ques. I will be fair to everyone involved and not rehash history. Everyone deserves the same fresh start I do everyday. I will change someone's history. I will believe the best of every situation.

I never want to stand before God as He shows me the destruction I was responsible for. I can do this... or keep my mouth shut.