Keep It Shut Chapter 10: Something To Talk About

I have to tell you that I am very emotional about this chapter. I've really struggled since starting this book. I've always had a hard time controlling the words that come out of my mouth. I'm one of those emotional types. I can hold in what I say for the most part, but if you turn the fire up under the pot and I can get myself in to a lot of trouble.

The past few months I have been very angry. I've been praying recently that God would reveal to me the source of this anger so that I could sort it out and move on in my life. I can't pinpoint when it started, but I can pinpoint when I noticed it. I noticed it in March. I nearly drove a man down in his vehicle because he cut me off when getting on to the interstate. Up until recently I still had a picture of his license plates in my phone. I was going to stalk this man. I have no idea what I was going to do once I was face to face with him, but let me tell you that day I knew I was going to do something.

This anger has also led me to say a lot of things, that even if they were true, were not kind. We have recently made a lot of changes to the Children's Ministry in my church. I am the director. I had a great conversation with my Pastor and the Assistant Pastor about these changes. We knew we would receive backlash, but man I couldn't believe the type of backlash we received. Someone that rarely ever shows me any type of attitude or anger jumped on me about these changes. I knew that the source of some of that anger came from the person that delivered the news to this person.

In order to cope, I have started pointing that finger while blaming and speaking hate. I've been yelling about people not keeping their mouths shut, speaking out of turn and pretty much have had the attitude of "like it or get out". I'm not saying my anger in this situation isn't justified, but I will tell you that I think my anger is causing a ripple that was started to grow. I read an analogy that I want to share with you straight from the words of the author.

"I tried water-skiing once - and only once. It was the summer of 1976 and I was in the seventh grade. I had traveled with my mother and grandfather to upper Wisconsin for a week of vacation. My cousins were very skilled at all things aquatic. They were good swimmers. They loved to fish. And they could water-ski like no one's business. So they go the bright idea of teaching their land-loving cousin how to water-ski too.

Things started off well enough. I placed the skis on my feet and bobbed up and down in my bright-orange life jacket in the deep part of the lake, clutching the line attached to the boat my uncle Lee was about to drive. I had listened to all the instructions about how to get up on the skies and then how, once I was finally standing, to ski in a way that I would not fall.

My uncle revved up the engine and took off. I did everything I thought I was supposed to, and pretty soon I was standing up and skiing. However, I encountered a slight problem. My skis started to drift off course and into the wake, a V-shaped formation of rushing water generated behind a boat. While it is pretty, it is also powerful. And when a novice twelve-year-old water-skier accidentally gets her left ski caught in the wake, she soon gets the scare of her life.

I flipped. And flopped. I took in gallons of water in both my mouth and nose. And I continued to be dragged behind the boat in the wake of my uncle's joyride. Now, had I only been smart enough to let go of the line, this whole incident would not have been so traumatic. But I was in shock and wasn't thinking straight and somehow surmised that holding on for dear life was the right thing to do. As I said, it was the first and last time I ever went waterskiing.

Wakes are powerful. So are our words. And our word choices often leave behind a wake that can cause a ripple effect - for good or for ill - on all those around us. What is in your wake?" ~ Excerpt taken from Keep It Shut by Karen Ehman

How many times in the past couple of months have my words left a wake of destruction? Will my words lead to the destruction of someone's walk with God? I can honestly say I'm scared to know the answer to those.

I sat reading this chapter while I rocked my son to sleep. I had to lay my book aside as I sobbed in repentance. The changes to the Children's Ministry have been frustrating for everyone involved. I have the option to make the changes seem seamless and positive or I can bring more negativity and death to this ministry.

I will choose life. I will seek out forgiveness. I will choose better words. I will listen before I respond. I will be careful with my nonverbal ques. I will be fair to everyone involved and not rehash history. Everyone deserves the same fresh start I do everyday. I will change someone's history. I will believe the best of every situation.

I never want to stand before God as He shows me the destruction I was responsible for. I can do this... or keep my mouth shut.

 

 

Practice What You Preach (and read)

I heard it through the grapevine! Oh lordy! It's sad, but true. As some of you may know I have been reading this book "Keep It Shut" by Karen Ehman. I have been learning a lot from this book. Little by little I have started making changes to things I allow to come out of my mouth. I am perfect by no means, but I am trying.

 

Today I was given a reminder as to why I am trying to make these changes. I was speaking with a loved one and they mentioned that they were talking to another loved one. Loved one #2 made a comment to loved #1 about me. In short, the comment was something along the lines of I am always to busy, I am neglecting my son because I am to busy and if I didn't want my son I could give him to them. I was (truthfully... still am) hurt by this. Anyone that truly knows me, knows my son is my number one priority.

I want to hurt someone. I want to yell and yes... possibly punch someone in the throat. I want to rage at the world right now. I want to get on my phone and call people to get sympathetic support. I want to text, email or call the offender to confront them. I want to grumble and complain, feel sorry for myself and most of all, I want to cry. However, I won't. 

There are some different aspects to this whole situation that I want to mention that I have to consider while sorting out my feelings. 

• Loved one #2 has no right to finger point in this particular area. 
• Loved one #1 maybe took something said out of context.
• Loved one #2 may be commenting on something that they have only snapshot info on. (most likely the case since they do not live nearby)
• Loved one #1 could have possibly been fueling the flames to lead up to this statement.
• What have I done or said to give loved one #2 this impression?

I have to consider all of these things as I sort through my emotions. Then I have to face the fact that I can't even dwell on the actual answers to the first four statements  because I wasn't there to hear the conversation. If I make decisions based off of those facts then I am just I am guilty of making assumptions and I will continue the cycle of negativity. I can only reflect on and control my own actions.

Now some may say that maybe loved one #1 shouldn't have repeated what loved one #2 had said. While this may be true, I am actually thankful they did say something. The reason I am thankful is because it has given me a moment to pause and reflect, pray, then apply and put in to action some tips I've picked up reading my book. Today I have a chance to grow or to decline. I choose to grow.

 

So, I will disregard the negative comment. Whether it was said or not. Whether it was taken out of context or not. I know I am a good mom. I say that as I type one handed and hold my son with the other arm as he sleeps. I am a mom that learns and grows. I am a mom that makes mistakes and tries to learn from them and most importantly... I am a mom that is trying to learn to "keep it shut".