I can be hard headed. I can be especially hard headed when it comes to listening to God. I'm super hard headed when it comes to trusting Him. Trust for me is difficult. Long story short, life has taught me that it's easier when I control circumstances. God doesn't listen to me though. He always has his plans set to go at His time. You'd think, that at the ripe old age of forty-two, that I would have it figured out that, He really does have my best interest at heart and knows exactly what I need and when I need it.
September has historically not been a good month for me in the last 5 years. In early September of 2014, I was fired from a job that I had given my everything to. I do still hold accountability for mistakes I made, but I would be a big fat liar if I didn't admit that there are still times that I think back to that year, the summer leading up to being fired and grit my teeth. It was a tough year. It was a pride busting year. It was a humiliating year.
Fast forward to September of 2015. My husband and I had tried for several years to have a baby. I had tried IUI's and took medications, etc. All the planning, medications, the hoping. It quite literally drove me mad. Yet, here we were. He had convinced me that we should go once again and try for IVF. See, here's the silver lining. While I was working for the corporate world, I had my own insurance. That insurance didn't pay for me to try the more extensive options of medical intervention. September of 2015, we had undergone my first round of IVF. We did the medications. We did the retrieval. We did the fresh cycle transfer. My numbers went up. We were excited. Then the numbers flatlined. Then I spent the night in the ER bleeding and having severe pain. We were disappointed, but oddly enough the blood tests showed that my numbers still continued to climb. Then came the time when we should be able to see the baby on the ultrasound. There was nothing there. The dreaded word "ectopic" was uttered. Statistics for your first round of IVF taking are low. Statistics for an IVF resulting in an ectopic pregnancy are even lower. I experienced both.
September 29, 2015, the last Tuesday of the month I was admitted to the hospital for day surgery. We had tried methotrexalate the week before to terminate the pregnancy once the ectopic was confirmed, but my numbers still continued to climb. I sat that day with the knowledge that once again a little life was lost to me once again. I did amazingly well. My faith was high. I had a great circle of friends to support me and I sincerely felt that God was telling me to just hold on.
At the beginning of 2016, the leaders of the church were asked to stand up and list three things that God was going to do for them this year. My number three was loud and clear. "This year God will give me a baby". I sat down and actually wondered what I had just done. Ugh! What if it didn't happen. I'd live humiliated once again. Oh well, nothing to do but trust God now. Right? Later that month we did our second IVF transfer. It was a frozen transfer this time. It took. I was pregnant. I was fraught with fears, doubts and a super awesome doctor that reminded me consistently of how old I was, how overweight I was and how statistically this could all end a nightmare. It just caused me to cling tighter to God.
August of 2016 ended and I resigned from my position at the church as the church secretary. September came in and I was so excited. Until I got this terrible rash. PUPPS. I don't even think I would even wish this upon my worst enemy. It was THE WORST! It was the worst at night. So not only was I big and uncomfortable from being pregnant, but I was one hot, itchy mess on top of it. THE WORST!
On September 27, 2016, I held my husband's hand as we walked in to the doctor for my weekly appointment. We had just gone in for my weekly ultrasound. (because I was old, overweight, blah, blah) The doctor had already indicated that she wanted to do a c-section and would do it either late this week or early the next when I had entered my 39th week. I looked at my husband and I said, "I'm going to have this baby today". It wasn't some intuition or God speaking through me. I was tired. I itched. I was big. I was hot. I was miserable. I was not having fun being pregnant anymore. Side note: God bless any of you that LOVE being pregnant. I was excited to be having a baby, but that whole experience from the negative nelly dr to all of the appointments was just not enjoyable to me. The dr offered to write a prescription to help me sleep. We weren't excited to do this since it could have side effects for the baby. The dr left the room and then came back in. She said, "I'm not comfortable sending you home. You're blood pressure is too high. (ummm... because I was up all night trying not to itch myself) She needed me to sleep, which was not possible. She needed me to relax, which was also not possible. Since I wouldn't take the medication, she was insistent that we go in and have the baby that day.
Later that evening little man was born by C-section. All my complaints and arguments of C-section went out the window with PUPPS. This day, despite the itch, despite the business, despite it not being what we expected, was now the happiest day of my life. God had finally answered my prayer. He honored my faith given statement. He knows!
It wasn't until a few months later, that I noticed it. I was flipping through my planner from 2015 looking for some notes and I saw it. The last Tuesday of September in 2015. It hit me instantly. Joe was born on the last Tuesday of September in 2016. One year later to the day!
Someone else may not have noticed it. I did! It's quirky. It's subtle. It was so obvious to me. God tapped me on the shoulder and smiled at me.
So, if you ask me if God is faithful, I will say yes! Every year! On the last Tuesday in September, I will remember. He is faithful! He is always on time!
Just to think of it brings this verse and chorus to mind.
I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call
I will remember!
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