Remember

I'm one of those people who finds and remembers the quirky things. That one little thing that someone else may just walk by and not notice. I notice it. I'm not sure why. I guess the mundane is just that to me, mundane. I like out of the ordinary. Sermons, quotes, books. I can almost always tell you when I first (or pretty close to it) heard, read, experienced something for the first time if it is something unique just to me. I think that why this day, not date, but this day popped out to me.

I can be hard headed. I can be especially hard headed when it comes to listening to God. I'm super hard headed when it comes to trusting Him. Trust for me is difficult. Long story short, life has taught me that it's easier when I control circumstances. God doesn't listen to me though. He always has his plans set to go at His time. You'd think, that at the ripe old age of forty-two, that I would have it figured out that, He really does have my best interest at heart and knows exactly what I need and when I need it.

September has historically not been a good month for me in the last 5 years. In early September of 2014, I was fired from a job that I had given my everything to. I do still hold accountability for mistakes I made, but I would be a big fat liar if I didn't admit that there are still times that I think back to that year, the summer leading up to being fired and grit my teeth. It was a tough year. It was a pride busting year. It was a humiliating year.

Fast forward to September of 2015. My husband and I had tried for several years to have a baby. I had tried IUI's and took medications, etc. All the planning, medications, the hoping. It quite literally drove me mad. Yet, here we were. He had convinced me that we should go once again and try for IVF. See, here's the silver lining. While I was working for the corporate world, I had my own insurance. That insurance didn't pay for me to try the more extensive options of medical intervention. September of 2015, we had undergone my first round of IVF. We did the medications. We did the retrieval. We did the fresh cycle transfer. My numbers went up. We were excited. Then the numbers flatlined. Then I spent the night in the ER bleeding and having severe pain. We were disappointed, but oddly enough the blood tests showed that my numbers still continued to climb. Then came the time when we should be able to see the baby on the ultrasound. There was nothing there. The dreaded word "ectopic" was uttered. Statistics for your first round of IVF taking are low. Statistics for an IVF resulting in an ectopic pregnancy are even lower. I experienced both.

September 29, 2015, the last Tuesday of the month I was admitted to the hospital for day surgery. We had tried methotrexalate the week before to terminate the pregnancy once the ectopic was confirmed, but my numbers still continued to climb. I sat that day with the knowledge that once again a little life was lost to me once again. I did amazingly well. My faith was high. I had a great circle of friends to support me and I sincerely felt that God was telling me to just hold on.

At the beginning of 2016, the leaders of the church were asked to stand up and list three things that God was going to do for them this year. My number three was loud and clear. "This year God will give me a baby". I sat down and actually wondered what I had just done. Ugh! What if it didn't happen. I'd live humiliated once again. Oh well, nothing to do but trust God now. Right? Later that month we did our second IVF transfer. It was a frozen transfer this time. It took. I was pregnant. I was fraught with fears, doubts and a super awesome doctor that reminded me consistently of how old I was, how overweight I was and how statistically this could all end a nightmare. It just caused me to cling tighter to God.

August of 2016 ended and I resigned from my position at the church as the church secretary. September came in and I was so excited. Until I got this terrible rash. PUPPS. I don't even think I would even wish this upon my worst enemy. It was THE WORST! It was the worst at night. So not only was I big and uncomfortable from being pregnant, but I was one hot, itchy mess on top of it. THE WORST!

On September 27, 2016, I held my husband's hand as we walked in to the doctor for my weekly appointment. We had just gone in for my weekly ultrasound. (because I was old, overweight, blah, blah) The doctor had already indicated that she wanted to do a c-section and would do it either late this week or early the next when I had entered my 39th week. I looked at my husband and I said, "I'm going to have this baby today". It wasn't some intuition or God speaking through me. I was tired. I itched. I was big. I was hot. I was miserable. I was not having fun being pregnant anymore. Side note: God bless any of you that LOVE being pregnant. I was excited to be having a baby, but that whole experience from the negative nelly dr to all of the appointments was just not enjoyable to me. The dr offered to write a prescription to help me sleep. We weren't excited to do this since it could have side effects for the baby. The dr left the room and then came back in. She said, "I'm not comfortable sending you home. You're blood pressure is too high. (ummm... because I was up all night trying not to itch myself) She needed me to sleep, which was not possible. She needed me to relax, which was also not possible. Since I wouldn't take the medication, she was insistent that we go in and have the baby that day.

Later that evening little man was born by C-section. All my complaints and arguments of C-section went out the window with PUPPS. This day, despite the itch, despite the business, despite it not being what we expected, was now the happiest day of my life. God had finally answered my prayer. He honored my faith given statement. He knows!

It wasn't until a few months later, that I noticed it. I was flipping through my planner from 2015 looking for some notes and I saw it. The last Tuesday of September in 2015. It hit me instantly. Joe was born on the last Tuesday of September in 2016. One year later to the day!

Someone else may not have noticed it. I did! It's quirky. It's subtle. It was so obvious to me. God tapped me on the shoulder and smiled at me.

So, if you ask me if God is faithful, I will say yes! Every year! On the last Tuesday in September, I will remember. He is faithful! He is always on time!

Just to think of it brings this verse and chorus to mind.

I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call

I will remember!

Starting Over... Again!

Ironically, I have already written this blog once. Something happened. Most likely an operator error. Regardless, none of it saved. So, I am starting over.

Starting over. This has been my mantra for a couple of months now. I am your typical female, mom, former leader, workaholic, people pleasing person. I hate making mistakes. I mean I REALLY HATE MAKING MISTAKES. No one can every chastise or beat me up more than I do myself. I'm very hard on myself. I have very unrealistic goals and standards I set for myself. It's crazy! Some of them are so out of this world that I can never even begin to attain to them. I set myself up to disappoint myself. I lead myself to the dark pit of depression and have consistently lived a life of stumbling.

Some of these unrealistic expectations come from the way I grew up. I love God. I love the church. BUT I'm coming to realize that living for God isn't quite so black and white. Settle down now everyone. I believe that there are black and white guidelines that God has given us, but I do believe that there are rules and guidelines that many Christians enforce upon themselves and others that are just not as important to God as they are to us. What are those? Read the book. Pray about it. Consult with your Pastor. Is it a heaven or hell issue? Will it consistently cause others around you to stumble? I am not saying that we should not hold ourselves to a higher standard, but the standard should be something that compliments your walk with God and His holiness. How I dress, my appearance, the way I talk, my actions are they pleasing to God?

Other unrealistic expectations come from what I put before me. Social media, tv, the internet, blog posts. None of these things are terrible on their own, but there may be things that I see and allow myself to become envious of. When I become envious I start setting an unrealistic goal.

It isn't just about unrealistic expectations though. I fail when it comes to expectations that I should be able to attain to, but because of these other expectations I've had I come down really hard on myself even when I mess up on simple things.

I've been reading a lot about grace lately. God is so full of grace and mercy. This reading has really thrown a wrench in to some of my ideologies, the way I function and think. God doesn't want us to fail and when we do He helps pick us up, helps us brush our knees and hands, wipes the tears from our eyes and helps us get back on our path. Why do we not have this same kind of grace for ourselves? Why is it that when I mess up my world comes apart? We limit God. We fall down and do one of the following:

1. Sit and pout (wallow in depression)

2. Push God away and say we can get up on our own (pride)

3. Allow Him to help us up, but keep beating ourselves up (unforgiveness)

Don't get me wrong. Depression is a real thing and can lead you down a black hole that is so unimaginably hard to get out of, but we don't have to live in it. Look up, forgive yourself because God has already forgiven you. I'm not perfect. I never will be here on earth. I have to forgive myself.

Want to know the best part of learning to forgive yourself is? That you become less judgmental when it comes to other peoples failures. When you stop holding yourself to impossible tasks, you stop holding others as well. It is so freeing! You have to try it.

If you'd like to read some amazing books about God's grace and setting realistic and attainable goals and standards for yourself then check out these books.

Less Than Is Perfect

The past couple of months I have been reading (and listening) to some pretty amazing books. I'm in a transition phase of my life. I have been struggling the last year trying to balance my family, ministry work and serving God. 

 

It's been a fight. Mostly because I don't know when to give in or maybe when I'm supposed to give in. I love ministry. The positive is that I love helping people. The negative is that it's one of my drugs because I get to hear those positive affirmations and words of appreciation from people when there is a job well done. I love my husband and my son to the moon and back, but the praise department does not live in our house. I need that! I crave the praise and appreciation of the people around me. It's how I know I'm a good person right? 

So here is my lesson. I don't need praise to know I'm a good person. I don't need to be in charge of or participating directly in a ministry to know that I have earned God's love. I don't have to be doing everything that everyone thinks I should be doing to be a good wife and mother. I don't.

People love me for who I am. My real friends know that I am an amazing person. Do I have faults and failures? Yes, but isn't that part of what makes me fun to be around? I'm normal. That's right! Faults and failures are normal. God did not make us perfect. 

Am I lonely? Absolutely! My main conversations are with an 18 month old. Once you take a step back from being busy all of the time your phone stops buzzing, your inbox decreases, people who once were always talking to you no longer have anything to say to you. It isn't just lonely, it kind of hurts. This is not something that I have completely worked through, but it is definitely something that I have learned from. I used to reach out to people that were standing at the back wall, hoping to be noticed, but afraid to walk in to the middle of the room. Then I became too busy to interact with them. It's a reminder that there are people who need to be recognized and remembered. I don't need to sit and see if someone will call me, text me, email me. I can reach out to them just to say "hello, I was thinking about you today". My value to people is not dependent on what role I play in the church.

I don't have to earn God's love. That isn't how He works. He is a God full of grace, mercy and love. I have been in this rat race of trying to prove how much I love Him, that I deserve His grace, that I have earned my right to be by His side. I've been treating God like He is a person. He isn't. My value to Him isn't dependent on my usefulness to Him. 

Finally, I don't have to be a perfect wife, mother or friend. I make mistakes all the time, I am not the best housekeeper, I have a desire to have things and because of it we have a house full of clutter right now. I should exercise and eat better, but have a constant battle with the effort it takes to do it. I need to complain less about my husband and be more patient with my son. These are just some of the things that I have been very hard on myself in the past because these are things that make me less than perfect. I'm frustrated with myself just thinking about it. 

The author's of these two books consistently reminded me that I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to meet the demands of what everyone thinks I should be doing and most importantly that I don't have to earn God's love. These are basic thoughts, I know that I'm not the only one that struggles with this. I know it because both authors are very transparent about their struggles in their books and they wouldn't have written books if they didn't know that others struggle with the same feelings.

Present Over Perfect and Grace Not Perfections have helped me tremendously. I resigned from the ministries that I was involved in in my church. That's right, I said ministries with an s at the end. I have been taking time to reprioritize my family over ministry. It has been difficult, because I yearn for people to recognize me when they walk by me. I want to be valued. However, it has also been amazing. I'm not so tired anymore. I have energy and time to do things with my son like go to the library, park and someday when spring finally makes it to Wisconsin the zoo. I have more time to clean. Of course, it isn't my favorite thing to do, but I don't have a bazillion excuses to put it off. Plus, my son loves cleaning and helping, so that makes it a little more fun. Lastly, I have time for my husband. I have time to listen to him. He loves coming home to a clean(er) house. Though he doesn't say it every time he walks in the door I know that he appreciates it. He in turn has made more of an effort to spend more quality time with myself and our son. 

So though, I do not have the big crowd singing my praises, I have the praises of my son and husband. I have time to focus on something specific and be intentional. I love the word intentional. To me it means I'm doing it on purpose. Most importantly I have brought some semblance of balance back to my life and that my friends is the big picture lesson. We can love God, serve Him and have a fulfilled life with balance in our life.

I highly recommend these books. I actually listened to Present Over Perfect on Audible while I did housework. Either way, you will not be disappointed in what you read or hear.

                                                 

It's For Your Own Good

A little over a month after I was fired from my job in 2014, this cat showed up in my life. He was THE sweetest thing ever. I was at an all time emotional low. My self-confidence was crushed. God knew I needed someone or something to love ME unconditionally.

It was a tough sell. Both my husband and I love animals, but our house was already full with three dogs and two cats. Each of these animals would (and still do) give me love, until my husband came home. Then I was just the chopped liver that someone tried to eat, but vomited back up on the floor. Honestly, we did not need another animal. However, you couldn't deny how much love this little guy had to give and he was so social.

We tried to do the responsible thing. With my husband being the only one working, another pet was not what we needed financially. My husband left with him in the car, but returned with him a little later. The humane society near us said they do not do intake from the public and we would have to take the cat to the county humane society. My husband told them he wasn't comfortable with this since it was a kill shelter. Their reply was "yes, but it's only a low kill shelter". So the cat came home.

My husband wanted to call him Whiskey since he had taken up residence in the whiskey barrel planter we had on our deck. Dan, however, lacks imagination when it comes to naming animals. His right to naming was revoked after he named our calico cat Callie. I had a couple of regal names that I threw out there that were nixed, but we finally agreed upon Dexter. Dan felt it was appropriate since he had taken up residence on our deck and I was also happy because one of my all time favorite shows (I admit this with minimal shame) was Dexter. Why would you not want to name your cat after a character that is a serial killer that kills serial killers?

Dexter was my one and only love in the house. When I came home he would be sitting on the very edge of the kitchen island, as close to the edge as he could get to put him closer to me. It didn't matter where I went, downstairs, upstairs, bathroom, kitchen, living room, Dexter was always there right beside me. Even to this day, I know that this cat loves me unconditionally and I love him the same. The dynamic of the house has changed a little in the past year with the baby, so he doesn't follow me around quite as much, but every night when I crawl in to bed, up hops my favorite animal in the house to cuddle with me for a few minutes before he goes down by my feet to sleep.

The one thing that Dexter does is beg to go outside. In the past, we have had trouble with him sneaking out when we opened the door to let the dogs out. We would have to act fast to catch him and bring him back. When we go outdoors, Dexter will sit next to the nearest window or door to you so that he can peer out at you. He will alternate between staring hard at you and meowing really loud as if death could be at his door.

Dexter doesn't understand that I keep him inside for his own good. You see, we have coyotes that frequent our yard and neighborhood. We occasionally have owls that like to search out small prey. Of course, there are hawks as well. This doesn't include the foxes, stray cats, opossum and other little animals that may look cute, but could in fact mean danger to my beloved cat.

I sometimes wonder if Dexter looks out at the dogs and thinks "it isn't fair". His eyes tell me he thinks it. I know I would think it. Sitting there in the window watching those dogs run around free, chasing the birds and squirrels. I know it probably doesn't seem fair.

Dexter really wants to go outside. He wants to explore and chase things. He wants to roll in the grass and be free. He doesn't see the dangers that I do because they are not visible to his eye. He hasn't had a reminder of the dangers lurking out there for him. The safety of the house has given him a false sense of security.

Isn't that the same way with God? Doesn't He love us so much that He puts up roadblocks to steer us from danger. Maybe He closes the proverbial screen door to keep us in safety. Sometimes, He dodges after us and grabs us by the scruff of the neck (sometimes the tail if that's the only thing He can grab) before we disappear in to the world of danger.

It doesn't always feel good and sometimes we are left with a whole lot of questions swimming around in our head. Why didn't I get that job? Why isn't that friend in my life anymore? Why wasn't it easier to have a baby? Maybe you've used the "it isn't fair" line. Maybe you've wanted to just linger a little bit in your old life. God sees the dangers, whether big or small, and understands what they can mean to our lives. He isn't trying to deprive us of what we see others enjoying, but He is trying to protect us until we are ready to walk through that door or handle circumstances that we might not have been able to handle in the past. Maybe we need time to grow. Maybe we may never step outside that particular door again.

I'm thankful that I serve a God that loves me so much that He will protect me even if I question Him. Even if I doubt Him. Even if I stare longingly at what others have and I think I want. He loves me. I'm thankful He doesn't send me off to another shelter with the thought of "well it's only a low kill shelter over there... hopefully she does well there". He has my best interest at heart and does everything for my own good.

Mustard Seed Faith

When you think about it, it's so easy to say that I have faith for something. Lately, the Lord has been dealing with me about this. Am I just saying I have faith? Or do I really have faith? Do I have faith that will move mountains.
I was reading through some Scriptures on faith and I came across the Scriptures when Jesus talked about mustard seed faith. The conversation came about because a man had come to Jesus and asked him to heal his son. The man said that his son would "have seizures" and "fall into fires and water". The man said to Jesus "I brought him to your disciples, but they couldn't heal him". Jesus seems a little irritated when he turns to to address the crowd, but then he calls for the boy, rebukes the demon and the boy was healed.
Afterward, the disciples come to Jesus and ask Him "why?". Why you and not us? Jesus very simply tells them that they do not have enough faith. It sounds as if the disciples were saying that they had faith, but didn't actually have the faith to back up their words.

At the beginning of this year, my pastor asked me to come up to the front of the church and speak faith over some things that were going to happen in my life. I spoke those words. I called out a committed life to God for my husband, restoration to God for my family and babies for my husband and myself. Those are some pretty tall orders. I spoke those in faith!
Now, it's three or four weeks later. It's hard to hold on to those words. We look for an immediate answer. When it doesn't comes, we start to justify our words, God's untimely answer, etc. Where is my faith? Why is it so easy to say it, but not believe it?
Jesus when speaking to His disciples told them that if they had faith of even a mustard seed, you could say to a mountain to "move" and it would move! WHOA! Now that is a faith that is believed. Jesus even follows up with something that should resound in our heads over and over again. "Nothing would be impossible".
If I have mustard seed faith for those things that I spoke of than I realize that nothing is impossible! Nothing! The things I listed in my moment of passion can be fulfilled because I said them with a sincere heart. All I have to do is believe.
So what is the difference between just saying it and believing it? I believe it comes from a true fear of the Lord. Not just an "I love you" moment, but an everyday, every breath, every step commitment with Him. It comes from a true bond that has been formed with the One True God! When we have a true relationship with Him, we can easily rest in the fact that whatever we ask in His name will be done.
So what is it that you've called out in faith to God? Have you grown weary from waiting to see it happen? Or did you not believe it in the first place?
Join me today, as we take the step of growing a deeper relationship with Him. Let's grow a love so deep for Him that we are nothing but secure when speaking out in faith.


Here is my favorite Bible to use while studying.